Caroline Ellison – former CEO of the fallen crypto trading desk Alameda Research – felt “unhappy and overwhelmed” with her job, and strongly doubted that she was well suited to the role, according to newly leaked excerpts from her online diary.

The excerpts shed light on many of her inner thoughts heading preceding FTX’s demise, including her troubled relationship with Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF).

Boyfriend Pressure and Imposter Syndrome

As reported by The New York Times on Thursday, the 27-year-old crypto executive told SBF in an April 2022 writing that her previous breakup with SBF had “significantly decreased my excitement about Alameda,” due to the job’s association with the exchange founder.

Bankman-Fried founded Alameda in 2017 and promoted Ellison to a co-CEO position in 2021, alongside Sam Trabucco. While Sam did not formally control Alameda’s operations, Ellison wrote in February 2022 that she had “an instinct to shrink and become smaller and quieter and defer to others” when he was around.

After one of the couple’s many breakups, Ellison deliberately ghosted Bankman-Fried. “Not giving you the contact you wanted felt like the only way I could regain a sense of power,” she wrote in April.

Ellison’s Alameda was one of the few trading desks that seemingly managed to survive the immediate aftermath of Terra (LUNA)’s collapse in May 2022, which took out rival hedge fund Three Arrow Capital.

However, as prosecutors now allege, FTX was responsible for keeping Alameda alive at the time using billions of customers’ deposits. FTX’s new CEO and bankruptcy lawyer John Ray has confirmed that FTX and Alameda effectively shared a balance sheet.

Even in the April before Terra’s downfall, Ellison wrote about how doubtful she was of her own abilities, lacking in areas like “leadership” and “decisiveness.”

“Running Alameda doesn’t feel like something I’m that comparatively advantaged at or well suited to do,” she wrote.

Did SBF Leak Ellison’s Diary?

Shortly after The New York Times published its article, the Justice Department accused SBF of being responsible for leaking Ellison’s diary to reporters.

The government requested that the court prevent Bankman-Fried from releasing any more non-public information that could potentially interfere with a fair trial.

“Such an order is necessary because of a substantial likelihood that the defendant’s extrajudicial comments will undermine a fair trial by tainting the jury pool and chilling the testimony of prospective trial witnesses,” wrote the DOJ in a Thursday filing.

The DOJ has already slapped Bankman-fried with over a dozen charges related to financial fraud and campaign finance violations. FTX itself also sued SBF and other executives this week to recover over $1 billion in lost customer assets.